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A Scientific Report or Monologue On The Controversial Subject Of Vampires
We have attempted to analyze and rationalize the above title for greater clarity. We find then that; a report is a shot, none means one, logue is a piece of wood, Vampires tend to be barred from polite society, and a subject is a thing and many things are preserved in alcohol. Therefore a more definative title for this treatise might very will be . . . . ''One shot of Wood Alcohol, Bartender, Please.''? ? ?
A Vampire is one of three things (and we use the word ''Thing'' advisedly); a silent movie Femme Fatale, an undead human who rises from his grave at night to suck the blood of the living, or a blood sucking bat. Of course an old time movie Vamp could also be an old bat and, since they were silent, no one would know the difference. The element that tends to confuse us is the fact that the true, undead Vampire can also become a bat by day and a living corpse by night. We must realize that anyone, dead or undead, who goes on a bat can get stiff.
The real Vampire was the sucker named in the folklore of the Slavs. Consequently most Vampires are big Slavs. They would rise from their coffins in the blackest hours of the night to seek and suck in the blood from the necks of their victims, thus drawing nourishment from the life-blood of the sleeper.
The truth is that the old time movie Vamps also liked to neck but, being in no way artistic, they didn't draw blood. Many of them couldn't even walk a straight line.
Victims pf a Vampire's grisly feeding habits pine and die annd they in turn become Vampires, for while they pine they become part pf the Vampire's family tree and later branch out on their own looking for more saps to drain. From this it is easy to see how anyone, from willowy blondes to oak-like laborers can become victims of the ghoulish Vampire and carry on his horrendous heritage.
Oriental folklore presents a different slant on the Vampire legend, labeling Vampires, ''Ghouls''. From this conception came the famous theme song, started on cue, of the Charlie Chan movies, ''The Ghoul of My Dreams'', and many a Mandarin licked his chops over the famous old Chinese movie vamp, Sweet Suey.
A Vampire can be killed or laid to rest only by driving a stake through its heart with one blow. A good stake is hard to find but, when served with enough onions, one good blow could do it. Of course the stake must be rare with the blood oozing out and can also be driven through the tenderloin as well as the heart. There are also Stake Races, undoubtedly so named because the stake, when driven through theVampire'S heart, causes him to emit a horse cry and this brings us back to filly mignon and stakes.
The eye teeth of a Vampire become elongated the better to see withand so select the jugular vein of the victim. Of course, with the decline of vaudeville jugulars are hard to find at best, and most of them weren't the best. In reference to eyes it is important to remember that potatoes are delicious with rare stake and onions. Try to avoid boiled potatoes for, regarless of how many eyes they may have, boiled potatoes become blind and have a tendency to roll off the plate (scientificially referred to as ''drunken spuds'').
The Vampire Bat, of South American origin, is of the general Desmodus, Diaemus and Diphylla and belong to the family Phyllostomatidae. If you belonged to a family with such a name you'd be out for blood, too. The bat can neither spell nor pronounce these names. As a result the blood-sucking bat is simply referred to as a Vampire, a D.D.D.P., or an S.O.B.
The sole nourishment of these creatures comes from sucking the blood of man and other mammals which they imbibe in short sips while humming, ''Mammal's Little Baby Loves Shortenin' Blood''. The Vampire Bat possesses razor-like front teeth and has the reputation of being a gay blade in bat society, and of course you've seen photos of some of the old bats in our society.
The digestive tract of the Vampire Bat is greatly modified for the digestion of blood. The esophagus is extremely narrow, the stomach small and tubular, the intestines short, and the fingers long and narrow, having a tendency to stick in the cracks between the keys when playing the piano.
Many people have seen old bats but there are very few authenticated cases of anyone being confronted by a real Vampire. Most scientists claim that the only blood-suckers are Vampire Bats and Loan Sharks. But this conclusion has always sounded fishy to the poor Slavs, especially those who have dealt with loan sharks. No authenticated cases of necks pierced by a Vampire fangs are on record. But many like to play records and neck and it has been proven beyond a doubt that, comparing this practice to Vampirism, they have much more fun than.
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